Tuesday, December 16, 2008

what comes in sixths besides law school?

I am done with finals. Err, sorry, I meant I AM SO MOTHERFUCKING HAPPY TO BE DONE WITH THOSE GODDAMN FINALS. And also exhausted, mentally and physically. My brain is, on the one hand, blissfully numb and on the other is feeling the pain of intensive thinking withdrawal. I feel like I ought to still be doing something - there has got to be something - and I cannot just sit and relax. It doesn't help that during the month long reading period/finals period I put a lot of day to day stuff off, so in addition to the types of (non-school) projects that I usually have saved up for winter break I also have a lot of menial tasks to catch up on. I'm also going out of town for a few days, which I haven't done for winter break since elementary school. Plus this winter break is about a week and a half shorter than what I am used to from college, so it really does feel like I'll have no chance to stop and rest.

I tried a few times to write about my finals. Unfortunately I think the pressure of exams and my own coping mechanisms encouraged me to be even more fickle than usual, to the extent that by the time I was done writing a post I didn't still feel the way that I had described, and I didn't really feel comfortable sharing the various stages I went through.

At this point I don't even know how I feel about the exams, or how I should feel. There were moments in the past few weeks when I felt like I did really good on my exams. These bursts of confidence proved to be great motivators. I thought, "hey, if I did that well on that exam, I could certainly do well on this one if I just put in the time." There were moments when I feared that I did horribly. I doubted myself, I criticized my own methods of study and of dealing with stress, I wondered if I was sabotaging myself subconsciously.

I learned that I need to feel like I did well while I wait for results, regardless of how I do in the end. If that means skipping the post-exam bar outing so that I don't have to hear anyone talk about what they did and did not include, I'm ok with that. I'm desperately trying to hold onto the feeling of having done well for the next six weeks or so until the grades are finalized and released. Its so anticlimactic to think that I will have started classes again before I know my grades. The uncertainty of the tangible results adds to my uncertainty about how I feel about the experience.

But holy crap, I survived a semester of law school.

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